Breaking Dawn Review
by Sir Egg of Breakfast
Summary: TWILIGHT HATE SERIOUSLY DON'T READ THIS IF YOU ARE A FAN ITS AIMED AT ANTI TWILIGHT FANS Okay I'm gonna stop typing in capitals now. In which vampire babies are born, Bella gets a new high security car and Jacob and Leah have friendship goals.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so this is split into two parts mostly because my exams begin in about a week, so I'm gonna have to be stuck studying. Cheers to everyone who has reviewed/followed/favourited my review series. I may review Twilight spinoffs next, who knows. (::)(::)(::)(::) Free cookies even if you just decided to randomly click on this (::)(::)(::)(::)**

Twilight Book Four review: Breaking Dawn

There are only three things I can say about preparing to read this book:

It's the end.

The last book.

Thank god!

Breaking Dawn starts with Bella in her brand new car. Bella's truck, perhaps the most well developed character in these novels, has reached the end of its life. A moment of silence, please.

Moment over. So Bella has a new car. A Mercedes, if I remember correctly. Now here's the twist. Because Edward is a paranoid so and so, he feels it needs to be kitted out like something belonging in a James Bond film. Bulletproof windows, the lot. Yes Edward, because Forks is a place alive with assassins who want to kill Bella. Get a grip Edward.

Bella and Edward tell Charlie about their engagement. Charlie is all _Ask your mother_. Great show of concern Charlie. What, no _remember last time when you slipped into a depressive coma?_ _You've known him for a while but are you sure you wanna move into a wedding this quick?_ Bella asks her mum who is pretty much like _yeah, fine. I mean I met him once when you were in hospital under mysterious circumstances but no big deal, am I right?_

Bella and Edward have their wedding (where Alice has gone over the top and made it pretty extravagant. Like, if you've got that much money give some of it to charity, you're immortal vampires, what do you need the money for anyway?) and Jacob has decided to turn up despite his heartbreak. Gosh, you poor suffering soul you. Bella apologizes to Jacob, who says he just wants her to be happy.

Jacobs's happy mood doesn't last though. After learning about Bella and Edwards plans to have sex while she is still human (What kind of conversation is that anyway? _Hey! How you doing Jacob. Still heartbroken? How about housebroken? Me? I'm good. Oh by the way me and Edward are gonna have sex while I'm still human._ ) Jacob becomes violent. Ooh, better call security. Oh wait, it's a wedding. So after another moment of fifty shades of Jacob, the wedding ends and Bella and Edward head off to their honeymoon.

They head off to the fictional Isle Esme near Brazil, an island gifted to Esme by her husband Carlisle, which frankly seems ridiculous. The only people who own islands are various heads of state/monarchies and people with too much money. Bella and Edward make love and the next day they realize Edwards has left bruises over Bella. How do I need to get my point across to Meyer? This is abuse. Should I use smoke signals? Get it in big florescent letters? Allow me to spare you the struggles of their love life. Edward doesn't want sex. Bella does. And let's not go any further into their love lives. You shall not pass!

Bella has been having dreams of a green eyed child. No… Harry? Use Occlumency! Quick, Twilight is an evil that surpasses even Voldemort. But not Umbridge (Nothing is an evil that surpasses Umbridge).

Bella finds herself constantly hungry and sick. She also finds a box of unused tampons and realizes her period is late. And that she is… pregnant! In the film you may remember this as the part where she looks down at her completely flat stomach. Edward is all like _Quick! An abortion!_ Completely ignoring the fact that it is Bella's body and her own choice as to what she does. Edward hears stories from an old lady –who suspects he is a vampire- about other people who've been pregnant with vampire babies and have died. Wow Edward, use a random old lady as your number one source of info. Well done. Edward wants to bring Bella back to Forks so Carlisle can _take care_ of the baby. Ooh, ominous threat much? Bella doesn't want to lose the baby but she doesn't voice her concerns because she's in an unhealthy relationship. She secretly calls Rosaline, who now apparently doesn't hate her and wants children. Unfortunately, Edward finds out when he reads Rosaline mind.

Now it's time for Part Two. Here we have a random POV change to Jacob `still hung up over Bella` Black. Carlisle has spread the lie that Bella has a rare disease and must be quarantined. It's almost as believable as the time she fell down two flights of stairs and through a window. Jacob naturally assumes this means she has been bitten and turned into a vampire. *Slow clap for Jacobs reasoning*. Jacob runs off to his werewolf mates for help. But Sam Uley, the Alpha, the head honcho, the Robin Hood of their merry little werewolf band refuses involvement. Naturally, Jacob is angry –Angry, angst, moody, he's got a very limited emotional spectrum- and decides to go solo. He runs to the Cullen's place, formulating plans of attack as he does so. Now how's that for multitasking?

Jacob quickly realizes Bella isn't a vampire. Instead, she's pregnant with Edwards's child. Like, really pregnant. The baby is a super-growing baby. Think regular baby, but with steroids or with Miracle-Gro. Bella also can't eat food without puking it back up. Basically, sucks to be Bella. Edward wants to kill the baby. Rosaline wants to let the baby live. Jacob wants to kill Edward. It's like a love triangle, but with murder and a baby and not that much love, to be honest.

Jacob runs back to his werewolf gang, where he spills the beans about Bella's pregnancy. The werewolf gang think this is the best news since sliced bread, begin to think up names for the baby –Dracula is a favourite- and learn knitting so they can knit cute hats and scarfs for the baby. While knitting, they discover Seth has a talent for crochet.

Um, no. They all go _Death to the Child!_ Well Sam does, but because he's Alpha all the other were-dudes have to obey him. Still in love with Bella, Jacob disagrees –really, I reckon Jacob writes Jacob Swan in his schoolbooks, surrounded by little hearts. Jacob ditches the pack after him and Sam have a little testosterone off. Leah and Seth Clearwater later team up with him to form the Famous Five. Except there's three of them and no Timmy the dog. There is a Jacob the werewolf, though. Sam decides not to attack the Cullen's because he would then have to attack Jacob and the Clearwaters, and Sam has really begun to appreciate Seth's skills with crocheting.

Jacob and co play guard dog at the Cullens. Esme provides them with food and clothes because werewolves clothes have an unfortunate habit of being destroyed. Hence why Jacob is shirtless all the time. Jacob and Leah learn to tolerate each other and it goes something like:

Leah: So, I have feelings.

Jacob: Wow, me too. We have so much in common.

Seth: Uh, guys I've been dropped from the plot again-

Meyer: Shut up Seth, I'm trying to write an emotional scene. God, some people.

Me: *Yells inappropriately* _Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!_ Um, where was I?

Right, so the pregnancy is really endangering Bella. She will probably die. Think of it like the scene in Alien where the alien bursts out of a stomach. Except it's not an alien, it's a vampire. Edward tells Jacob his plan. Kill the vampire kid, and Jacob can sleep with Bella so she can still enjoy childbirth. I can't even… look, Edward, Jacob, does the phrase `have you asked Bella about any of this` ring any bells? I mean, Bella Swan isn't my favourite person, but bloody hell you people just don't count her opinion.

Meanwhile the fetus has turned into Super Fetus and everything you were taught about babies in Biology and awkward Sex Ed lessons is basically useless in this situation. Seriously though, Bella is at breaking point. Literally. Covered in bruises, broken ribs… ouch. Her body rejects human food and Jacob thinks the baby wants blood. Not in a violent way, in a _I'm a vampire baby better drink some blood_ way. Edward overhears –overthinks?- this, and apparently has no privacy boundaries but whatever, and gives Bella the finest pouch of donated blood he can find. Bella finds the blood amazing, and it revives her. Human blood- it's the newest substitute for coffee!

Edward can reads the child's mind where he –gasp!- discovers the evil bloodsucking psycho child is just a child. That's accidently killing its mum. Jacob borrows Edwards's fancy car –I can't remember in the name but I think Bond has one in one of the films- and drives to a random park where he tried to imprint on random girls… uh, okay then. One girl named Lizzie appeals to him because of her niceness and she knows stuff about cars (So, what do you look for in a relationship, Jacob? Cars. Nice.) Frustrated with his love life, Jacob returns to the Cullen's.

Edward makes plans to bite Bella, and asks Jacobs permission because Jacob is heir to this guy called Ephraim Black. Jacob agrees because Bella will die otherwise. Which would be a tragedy, I'm sure. Bella goes into labour about a month after the honeymoon. Yes, I know the maths doesn't add up but it's a vampire baby which grows super quick so there you go. The scene that follows is graphic for all the wrong reasons. Not graphic in a _this is scary but kinda cool way,_ graphic in a _oh god make it stop creepy vampire child_. The placenta that surrounds the baby cracks and Bella begins vomiting blood, and the bloodstains are going to take forever to get out of the carpet. The child begins to break free (a bit like the Queen song but with more blood and less singing).

So Edward decides to rip the baby out with his teeth (Let me just point out here that this is not something your dentist recommends) which is gross, unhygienic and very, very strange. I mean, for God's sake Edward what's wrong with waiting for Carlisle to come along with a scalpel or something? Do you have a fetish for removing babies with your teeth?! Edward delivers the baby, a girl, who they decide to name Renesmee which is a worse name than Albus Severus. Edward injects venom into Bella's heart and bites her in several places. Well, if she hasn't died yet and this whole transformation thingy doesn't work out, she's definitely dead now. Yay! I mean, what a horrible turn of events.

Jacob and Edward try CPR, but Bella's heart stops beating. Jacob, believing her to be dead, heads off to kill Renesmee who he blames for her death. Have you considered counselling, Jacob? Uh, just gonna kill her kid? Okeydokey. Seems legit. Then, before he can attack, Renesmee looks in his eyes and Jacob goes _what a beautiful baby_ and freaking imprints on her. This is creepy. She's a kid. A baby and Jacob decides he's in love with her. You know what? I'm not surprised Meyer decides this. Oh, Jacob can't have Bella? I'll give him her not even a day old baby instead. Seems like a plan!


	2. Chapter 2

The book returns to Bella's perspective. She isn't dead, by the way (unless she's a zombie). Bella has an injection of morphine so she isn't hurt transforming. When she wakes she feels a warm hand on her. Which isn't creepy at all. Edward now feels warm to her, cause they are both human freezers now. FYI. The Cullens are wary of Bella because as a newborn vampire she could fly off into a psychotic blood drinking rampage any second. Hey, being a vampire isn't all sunshine and buttercups. Not much sunshine at all, actually. With the whole burst into flames dilemma. Oh, wait, this is Twilight. They just sparkle.

Edward takes Bella on her first hunting trip. Aww, another one for the photo album. Before they leave Alice shows Bella her reflection, and Bella is now beautiful with red eyes. Uh, unrealistic body expectations may make others self-conscious. That's all I'm saying. Bella goes barefoot and casually jumps out the window, where she discovers as a vampire she is fast, agile, graceful and blah blah blah. She accidently crosses a human scent- will there be blood shed? Nah, cos she's Bella. She runs away from the scent which leaves Edward like ermagherd Bella because newborn vampires are supposed to have uncontrollable urges. Bella is now allowed to see her daughter because there is no risk of her going insane and drinking her daughter's blood. Which would be a bit of an awkward situation.

They discover Renesmee is growing abnormally fast, so the Cullens plus Bella don't have to deal with any of the nasty pukey baby business. Convenient. They discover Renesmees power- she can communicate without words. She's got some telepathy crap going on, but I think we all know its Occlumency and Legilimency. Yer a witch, Renesmee! Yeah sorry, it kind of all comes back to Harry Potter with me. Bella learns Jacob has imprinted on her daughter and she loses her schist. Thank god one of these characters reacted normally to Jacob having a crush on a baby, even if it was Bella. She tried to attack him but instead ends up attacking Seth who has his collarbone broken. Poor Seth- he's thrown back into the plot only to be thrown into A&E. Jacob had created the nickname Nessie for the kid. Wow, the Loch Ness monster. Way to get her bullied in school.

Esme buys Bella and Eddy a cottage. Esme personally designed and renovated it. Uh, that's nice I guess. Basically Bella and Edward have sex. For a long while. I'm talking cottage destroying sex here, but let's not go there. I don't wanna know about their vampire sex life. Meanwhile Renesmee has matured to the point where she can speak and walk and talk and whatever. Jacob imprinting on her means Sammy and his pack of were-dudes can no longer attack the vampire lot. Jacob and Sam agree to become co-existent alphas and Jacobs pack grows when Quil and Embry join. Jacob learns the Cullen's plan to move from Forks. Maybe to Knives or Spoons or a similarly named place. Jacob thinks that Charlie is the reason so he turns into a wolf in front of him. *facepalms*. I don't care if he's in emotional turmoil or some schist like that, methinks Jacob needs to stop making stupid decisions. Like, leave Charlie out of this, OK? Bella and Edward leave him out of everything. It's too late to include him into the plot, Jacob. Let it go. And you can always skype Bella if you miss her that much, like no need to drag her dad into this.

Jacob tells Charlie about Renesmee and Bella change –although he cleverly doesn't mention her vampirism. Cool plan Jacob *commence rolling of the eyes*. Bella is distraught, thinking her dad would now have to be turned into a vampire or killed. They decide not to tell Charlie any supernatural vampire stuff, so Charlie can continue to live his life. Yeah, continue to live his life always wondering what happened to his daughter. Because it's not like he has feelings or anything.

This peace continues to last until this vampire lady called Irina from the Danali clan comes along. She sees Renesmee spending good old quality time with Jacob and Bella and immediately thinks the Loch Ness Monster –I'm probably gonna mess you around by calling Renesmee the Loch Ness Monster- is an immortal vampire child and tells the Volturi. These vampire kids are pretty much what it says on the tin- immortal blood drinking kiddos. Except when they throw a tantrum they go on a blood drinking spree, compared to a normal kid who would just throw a couple of Lego bricks around. Not that lego bricks aren't evil, especially if you step on one of them. The Volturi made the immortal children's existence punishable by death.

Me: Could this mean… the Volturi are coming… to kill Bella, Edward Sparklehands and Jacob-Not- Sirius Black?

Aro: I have no idea who you are or where you've come from but, yes, that was the plan.

Me…

Me…

Me: OHMYGODTHANKYOUSOMUCHHEREISTHENOBELPEACEPRIZETHANKYOUUUUU! *throws Nobel Prize at them* OHHERETAKETHETRIWIZARDCUPTOO *throws Triwizard cup* HAHAHAREEEEVENGE *Pauses for oxygen* MWA HA HA HA HA

Aro: *mutters to Jane* Clearly this human possess some form of insanity. We should probably leave.

Me: *Does happy dance* TRA LA LA LA TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY TRA LA LA LA LA

Ahem. The Cullen's decide to find a bunch of people to prove The Loch Nessie Monster isn't an evil blood drinking psycho. This is the part of the book where so many characters are introduced there is only time to develop one or two of them. So if you see random names floating about, just go with it. Alice and Jasper suddenly leave the Cullens but not before leaving a note with Sam from the copyright page of Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice, which is kinda cryptic. Like, texting would be too hard to do? The Sparkle-Vampires are weird. Because it was Bella's copy of the book she sees it as a sign from Alice. No, really? I just thought they decided to randomly leave a goodbye message in a random book.

Bella finds an address Alice has scrawled on one of the pages. Let's split up and look for clues, gang! Bet you the address is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Bella discovers it leads to a house of this bloke called Jason Scott Jenkins –referred to as J. Jenks or J. Scott because why have one name when you can have two? Anyway J.S.J is a document forger. Bella arranges for fake documents to be made for Furryface and the Loch Ness Monster (Jacob and Renesmee). She comes up with the imaginative surname of Wolfe. Wow.

Now heres the tricky part, folks! About fifty –I may be rounding up- vampires turn up to be part of the We Swear Renesmee isn't Evil Squad. Have you gotten your badge yet?

Some of the vampires who I can remember are Garrett –patriotic American war hero from the 1800s- who hates the English. Garrett even hates the Beatles. It kind of annoys me- what about all the good things English people have done, like Maltesers and Doctor Who? Fight me immortal vampires *grabs rocket launcher*. Seriously thought, as an English person, I kind of wanted the Volturi to come along and murder these guys. Like, unfair judgement much? Sheesh.

Some other vampires are this dude from Egypt called Benjamin who can control all the elements –No, he's completely different to Aang, he hasn't got a flying bison for one thing- Tanya, this vampire lady from the same clan as Irina. And, uh, that's it. Three vampires. Considering I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning, that's pretty good.

Bella discovers her magical mind powers from the other books –personally, I think Eddy couldn't read her mind because there was nothing there, but agree to disagree- means she can now create force fields.

And the Volturi have turned up with Irina to kill them all. YEEEEES LAD GO ON VOLTURI KILL HER KILL THEM ALL THIS MADNESS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH. When I read it I was cheering for the Volturi all the way, sure a happy ending was only a few pages away…

Oh, how wrong I was. Just like An Inspector Calls, I was confused. Did capitalism murder Eva Smith? Is she even dead? Are there multiple Eva Smiths, just like there are multiple Clara Oswalds? Memories of a play I had to study in school aside, I was confused because the Volturi had been present for at least five seconds and Bella didn't seem to be dead yet. Come on Volturi! Go on lads! Go WILDCATS! Again, sorry. The Volturi discover they were misinformed and Caius immediately kills Irina. Finally, some proper vampire action! Vampires are evil creatures of the night, blah blah, not sparkly Tinkerbelle wannabies. Aro feels uncomfortable about the murder because of how many witnesses there are for it.

The Volturi are not satisfied to leave, wanting to see if Renesmee becomes a threat in the future. Unfortunately, Bella's gift ruins the Volturis main fighters- Alec, who can make smoke that cuts off people's senses and Jane who can cause a large amount of pain. Oh my God, Bella just let them kill you and end this insanity. Aro, Caius and Marcus –the three main heads of the Volturi- vote to see if Renesmee can live. And that's three no's Bella. You are through to the next round! The AFTERLIFE _mwa ha ha!_

Alice and Jasper conveniently return with another half vampire, Nahuel. They couldn't tell the Cullen's because plot reasons. They're all like _, look at this guy, he's pretty chill. Guess this means Renesmee is pretty chill too_. Aro gives up and leaves with the Volturi, probably as sick with these sparkle-vampires as I am. But before leaving they reveal the werewolves are… SHAPE SHIFTERS. Well, duh. Remus Lupin is a werewolf. Jacob Black is a puppy with relationship issues *Cough* liking a baby *Cough*.

Yeah, so anticlimactic doesn't begin to cover it. After Bella and Edward have the `Yay we defeated the bad guys` party they take Renesmee back home. Bella tells Edward she wants to try something and lowers her mind shield. She conjures up all the special memories she wants to share with him- stuff like, _aw, look when you used to watch me sleep! And when we ripped that animal apart and drank its blood! Oh look there's the steroid baby bursting out of me. Yeah, we never did get those blood stains out of the carpet._

She says she only has forever to perfect it. Like, _no_. You didn't think this whole transformation thing through did you Bella? What about when all your family and friends are dead? You and Edward will never grow old together. You won't age at all. You will be young and beautiful forever and everything will be _so perfect_ until one day you realize you're so lonely, and you can't change it. And she knew Edward for less than a year, not including her depressive stage. You know what, Bella really hasn't take anything into account. Sure, she's happy now, but what about in a hundred years when Charlies dead? How will she feel then?

Anyway, the book ends with "And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever."

So I think it's fitting that I end the review like: "And then WhovianGeronimo went to look for a bucket to puke in because of all this ridiculous love triangle garbage, and a neuralyzer to wipe her memories of Twilight away with."

 **So, what do you think? I might review the Edward POV Twilight, or the gender swapped Twilight. See what happens between now and the end of my exams. Thank you for reading this and thank you for all the supportive reviews i have received in this, those reviews made all this worthwhile. And sorry if i spelt anything wrong, I'm typing with gloves on cause its cold.  
**


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